How to Avoid a Verbal Argument
Arguments come about when two people have different perspectives on the same issue and both are trying to persuade, sometimes aggressively, to get the other side to see the issue THEIR way. Simply put, arguments happen when two people are talking, yet no one is actually doing any real listening. The following four powerful defusing tips come from my book Street Negotiation: How to Resolve Any Conflict Anytime and can enable you to defuse any potential argument before it starts. - Don't take the bait. A personal attack is the other side’s way of getting you to play their game. A personal attack is similar to a fisherman tossing a baited fishing line out into the water, with the high hopes that a hungry fish will see the juicy bait and bite onto it. Well, you are the fish and a verbal attack on your ego is the bait that the other side hopes you will bite onto in the form of an angry reaction. Once you take the bait, then its GAME OVER--they win by default because now you are playing their game and you are set up to becoming an easy target for additional attacks. By taking the bait, you place yourself in a position of disadvantage because you are constantly on the defensive rather the offensive and trying to fight an uphill battle. Make a conscious decision not to take the bait and not to play their game. Make them play yours by not reacting emotionally, but rather controlling your emotions and choosing to respond rationally.
- Avoid using "YOU" talk. It's really easy to tell when someone is getting angry at another because they start throwing out "YOU" statements all over the place. "YOU" statements are very accusatory in nature. "YOU are (blank)" "You did (blank)" "You said (blank)." It signals to the other person that a criticism is coming their way and they get defensive, just like if someone widened their stance and put up their fists in preparation for a fight. Instead, reflect on your own ideas and feelings by using "I" talk or pull them closer to you by using "WE" talk. When expressing a position or idea, I commonly use “I” talk. When trying to guide or persuade the other person without commanding them, I will us “WE” talk. Why this works is because by using “WE,” you put them in the same boat as you and if they want to blast your boat out of the water with a verbal attack, then psychologically, they will be blasting themselves with that very statement too and the law of consistency will not allow for such a hypocritical event to occur.
- Empathize with them. When you find yourself getting angry at another person for the stuff that did, try for a moment to place yourself in their shoes and see things from their perspective. This process of understanding the person and their feelings in pretty much the same way as they understand themselves is known as empathy, a major component of Emotional Intelligence. By seeing things from the perspective of the other person, it will allow you to see the bigger picture. Remember that every human action is logical to a certain degree—even seemingly insane things. What I learned from my time as a street cop is that a senseless murder may seem senseless to hopefully all of us, but for the killer, that murder might represent more respect and power for his gang peers. Just remember that while you might not agree with the actions of the other person, first seek to understand why they did such a thing because to them, that action made perfect sense. Your power to understand the “whys” and the feelings behind the “whys” is what empathy is all about.
- Don't fight back, instead ask a question. When someone makes a personal attack on us, we have the option of either reacting emotionally, or responding rationally to that attack. Emotion-based reaction will always breed, and often escalate, more conflict because it is instinctual rather than logical. When emotions are involved, humans inevitably move as far away from pain as possible and as close to pleasure as possible. Verbal attacks are painful and the way the emotional mind seeks to protect itself from that pain is to become defensive and fight back. This however only serves to instigate the other person to not only prolong their attack, but to also increase the veracity of that attack. Instead, emotional centering is used to restore the rational mind to power and then responding back with defusing tools in the form of questions are used. Unlike statements, questions offer very little to strike back at because they require introspective thought. Questions make the other side consciously aware, through self-discovery, that their words are hurting you and it will often make them feel more sorry or guilty (assuming they do not have socipathic behavior) than if you chose to fight back. Examples of a question-based defense are: "Why would you say something that's hurtful to me?" “What would make you say something like that to me?” “What seems to be the real issue here?” If you offer no resistance to their attack and instead use their attack to focus their attention towards the problem rather than on you, then such an action is not backing down, or submitting to them, but rather it is empowering you with tactical ability of taking control of the situation in a responsible manner.
Tristan Loo is the founder of the Synergy Institute, a Personal Development Firm based out of San Diego County, Calfornia. Tristan is a former police officer, author, professional mediator, and conflict negotiator. He is the author of Street Negotiation--How to Resolve Any Conflict Anytime. Please visit his website at http://www.synergyinstituteonline.com or email him directly at info@synergyinstituteonline.com |
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